Feeling Loved

It hurts, I am tired, I can't go on. I just want to rest.

I'm so hungry, I was only going to grab a little. I didn't mean to disgust you. I am so sorry. I saw your eyes, how they furled in utter dismay at my existence. I am sorry. I could feel my existence being rejected, unfit as it still is. I know I wasn't supposed to be there, but I was - and still am so hungry. It hurts so much. I tried to plead and excuse myself. The offense had already been made. I had already existed in front of him. Still grasping the half-eaten bread he shot me. Had I not been quick on my feet I'd been dead on the spot. I wish that was the case, because it hurts so much.

The energy was seeping out of me at double the rate at which the blood flowed out of my thigh. It almost felt good, being this tired, being this close to an eternal rest. I'm glad I managed to run out of the village, into the woods. It's so quiet here. I think the butcher's child saw me, I hope she wasn't disturbed by the whole ordeal. A feeling of anger rushed through me, why? I hate all of you. You took my people, then made me into a monster, I don't want to be a monster. I don't want to be a freak. I don't look like you, I don't walk like you. But I hunger like you - why can't you see that? I wonder how her life is, the butcher's daughter. She sleeps well at night. Gets fed. One day she'll meet someone who loves her, someone who'll embrace her. Someone who touches her gently with longing in their eyes. These are not thoughts of a worthy death.

I'm slipping away, my body feels cold. Good riddance if the villagers has any say. Rustles are heard in the nearby bushes. I don't bother exit my fetal stance. If an animal wishes to feast upon me it will soon not matter. A sound is heard. Is it human? They'd better finnish me off. Is it the buther? Doesn't sound like his unsettling rumbling voice. Maybe whoever this is can get something from my fur. It's supposedly priced highly in some areas. I hope they let me die before they skin me.

Pressure, there's pressure on my thigh. I feel as though I am levetating. This might be it. It's interesting to know how it feels to die, you only experience it once afterall. Horizontal movement. Am I being carried? Why? Are they going to skin me? Cut off my tail for the market? Why would they want to touch me? Something so filthy? somehow I manage to redirect som eof my fleeting life to my arm, touching whatever is carrying me. Hairless skin, this is a human. Why? I try to squeeze it but I have not idea how hard I'm actually excerting my muscles. Probably not much. I feel myslef fading. That last grasp of sentience was too much. As I fall into the void I sense a last bodily message. Whatever is carrying me is grasping my hand. Why?

Dazed and Scared

Pain, it hurts. Why am I still suffering? I'm angry. I'm so tired. ~~~~~~~ Where am I? Did I just fall asleep again? ~~~ Someone is watching me, I can feel it. Who are they? Are they going to kill me? ~ I open my eyes, I'm inside. Under a blanket. Why? Who is here? No one. It's quiet. Birds outside are chirping. I try to look around. My eyes get stuck on various objects. There's a window to the left, a large, old-looking shelf with ornamental features. There's a bucnh of bottles inside. A door beside it. Doesn't look like it's locked. Can I run? There's a chair to my right. A book sits ontop of it. Has someone been here? I try to move but my energy is only barely enought to support my wandering eyes.

There are noises outside, I want to flee. The window looks like it's openable. Step can be heard outside my room. I'm scared. What do they want with me? Why didn't they leave me alone to die? What do they want! Noises can be heard, sounds like a pot. Boiling water. Someone sits down in a creaking chair. Eventually they get up to check on whatever they're boiling. Smoldering fire can be heard. Crackling of a wood fire. I'm scared. I don't want to be seen again. I don't want to be a monster. I hear steps closing in, nearing the door into my room. I tense up. It hurts. The fur on my neck rises. I prepare to claw at whatever is nearing.

He looks at me with curiousity in his eyes. Why? He stares at me. I stare at him. Instinctually I bare my teeth at him. I gather all my strength to sit up in the bed. With my back against the wall I make my stand. Hissing and spitting I cannot muster the energy to form words in his tongue. I hope my show of aggression is enough to keep him away. He continues to look at me, a frightened yet curious gaze. He is holding something in his hand. He points towards my thigh. It's bound in bandages. It smells of some kind of herb. What he is holding smells similar. He points to the cup he's holding and then to my leg. Is he helping me? Why?

???
For your leg...

He points towards me. The liquid is greenish. I can't muster the mental energy to actually process the situation, I just stare at him with frightened eyes. He takes a step forward and I, yet again, instinctually hiss at him. He seems to plead with me, I can't hear him. My head is filling with noises of death. I give in. He can do whatever he wants.

My posture sags as my eyes become narrower, barely remaining open. He seems alarmed at the sight, nears me. Another reflexive hiss leaves my mouth, but it is barely audible. Pathetic. It burns, whatever he is putting on my leg. I let it happen, I'm going to die anyways.

I open my eyes, there's a very distinctive smell. He is holding a spoon of something. Soup? My hunger betrays me as I open my mouth. It tastes good. Onion? Vinegar? He smiles. Maybe this is the first time I've eaten his food. Why does he care so much? Why doesn't he let me die? I can feel myself letting out tears. He looks concerned. He grasps my hand. I twitch, but I don't have enough energy to actually pull back my hand. He has such worried eyes. What does he want?

I keep eating his food, why? I don't deserve this. I was shot for eating someone else's food. Why is it suddenly allowed now? I let out a single word. "Why?" He stops his hand which is feeding me. He stares at me, with pity in his eyes.

???
You seemed like you needed help... I didn't want to leave you out there.

I don't know how to answer. Why would you refuse to leave me out to die? Dozens of people had already done that, why are you special?

???
My name is Leo... You looked like you needed help. Can you understand me?

A wave of fear and dread entered me, he must have some ulterior motive. Why is he helping me? I fixed my eyes on him

Kira
I can... why are you helping me?

Leo
I didn't want to leave you in that forest. You're lucky I happended to forage there.

I looked deeply into his eyes, until a sensation of falling gripped me. I closed my eyes.

Leo
Hey, are you okay? Do you feel nauseuos?

I opened my eyes and stared at him, I hope he wasn't disturbed by them. He reciprocated and looked into mine. A rush of shame overwhelmed me - do not look at them - don't, you'll just find them monstrous. I turned my head towards the window. He looked down towards the soup lying on the bedside table.

Leo
I think I forgot to ask you for your name?

Kira
Kira...

Leo
Do you want some more soup Kira? You look like you haven't eaten much before coming here.

I turned my head and nodded carefully. I still feel like I'm starving. He moved his chair closer and leaned forward. My nerves were still far from calm, so I instinctually pulled back at his sudden motion. He leaned back momentarily with a concerned face. Then he, very slowly, tried again. He wasn't trying to hurt me. I leaned forward with even more caution than him. The soup was much better than stolen bread and raw eggs. Letting my guard down momentarily, I gave into his delicious soup. Once the bowl was empty he went and got some dried meat and bread. He put it on the bedside table.

Leo
I'll need to head down to the village to tend to some of my patients. I should be back before it gets dark.

I muttered a "thanks" for the food. My eyes remained transfixed on him as he gathered his things and left. As the door shut I could hear his steps fading until I could only hear the creaking of the roof. It was a windy day, the swaying trees weren't the best distraction. I finally fell asleep after gnawing at some of the meat he - this Leo - had brought. When I woke up I felt lonely, it hurt even though I was used to being on the run all by myself. Yet, his non-presence could be felt. No noises came from the neighbouring room. A question arose in my mind. How long until he realizes what I am? Why hasn't he realized yet? I can't hide how I look. Is he a pervert? Does my mounstrous features, my fur, tail and ears turn him on? I had encountered such a person before - I could not comprehend why he'd otherwise help me, let alone let me into his house. His eyes did not look like that of a predator. There was no greed in his eyes when he looked at me. Neither was there disgust like in the eyes of the butcher nor the fear of his daughter's eyes. I couldn't decide which bothered me most of those two, disgust or fear. I wondered if I could still apologize to them once my leg was healed. A part of me didn't want my leg to heal. To leave this warm cabin with its warm bed and clean sheets. I noticed that there were a couple of paintings on the walls, they were beautiful. Most of them depicted the woods, in one you could see a small red cabin at the edge of a meadow. Tired from all the healing I fell asleep yet again, looking at those paintings.

Loneliness

I heard the front door open, the sun was fading outside. I sat up in excitement, looking longingly at the door. He opened the door carefully, as if he thought I was asleep. He was instead met with an intense stare which seemed to take him by surprise. I suddenly realized I was staring at him and looked down.

Leo
Sorry it took so long - had to run to the neighbouring village to borrow some medicine. How are you feeling? Are you feeling better?

He looked quite exhausted and sweaty. He had obviously been very busy. I looked up, into his eyes. They looked friendly and caring.

Kira
My leg hurts a little - I think I have more energy than this morning...

Leo
Great! We should try putting some weight on it to see if there's any deep inflamation left.

I nodded cautiously, not really knowing what to do. He helped me sit up at the edge of the bed. After he asked me if I was ready, I muttered a hushed "yes". He held me tight while I was balancing on my good leg. My face was pressed up into his chest. I don't remember anyone holding me like that - with a tender care. I carefully lowered my leg. There wasn't much pain, I could probably walk with a cane. I was about to tell him that my leg felt okay, but hesitated. I had my arms around his shoulders - he was atleast two heads taller than me. He had his arms around me as well. The contact was intoxicating, I didn't want it to end.

Leo
Hey... are you alright?

I was immediately caught off-guard. The realization of what I was doing hit me. Who did I think I was? An animal like me shouldn't use him for pleasure. I don't deserve him.

Kira
I'm so sorry...

Kira
I think I could walk with a cane. My leg doesn't hurt much but the muscles feel really weak.

Leo
It's okay if you're tired, you don't need to apologize!

I looked down on the floor, I felt that I had overstepped his boundaries but he didn't seem to have interpreted it that way.

Leo
I'm gonna make a bath for myself, I'm quite dirty from all that running. I could make you one afterwards if you'd like? You could also use some new clothes, those rags you were wearing are quite tattered.

Kira
That'd be nice... Thank you - for everything.

Leo
No worries! Even though we haven't talked much... it has still been nice to have someone around. Feels less lonely that way. Even if you slept through the first three days...

I got quite flustered by his words. I assumed I was not much more than a burden. Had he missed me too? Did I miss him? Why? I met him this morning. He had met me four days earlier. It hit me then, that he had taken care of me for three days before I woke up. It didn't feel like that much time had passed.

Kira
Sorry, I didn't know it had been that long...

Leo
The bullets didn't hit any major arteries. You did loose a lot of blood though. How did you end up out there?

I didn't want him to know that I was a wandering thief. I just looked down at the floor again while trying to come up with something to say. I must have began tearing up because he soon got an apologetical look on his face.

Leo
You don't have to answer! We can talk more tomorrow if you'd like, but don't feel pressured.

He looked at me with worried eyes. I wiped away my tears and nodded.

Leo
I'll go take a bath and then prepare your's - you should rest until then.

I muttered an "okay" and then a "thanks" as he left. He turned around and smiled. As I layed down I could feel the tears coming again. Why is he treating me like a person? I had at best been treated as a farmtool and at worst as a demonic pest. How could I ever deserve this? It'll probably end when I can walk or when he finds out that I'm not just a monster but a thief too. I grasped the pillow and cried. I want to be held again.

Good Night

I hear his steps nearing. I seat myself on the edge of the bed. When he opens the door our glances meet. My eyes are red from crying. He worriedly walks to the bed.

Leo
Hey... Kira are you okay. Is your leg hurting?

Kira
No, I'm fine...

I could feel a debt piling up, he's too nice. I wanted to know so badly why he kept being nice to me.

Leo
Tell me if you're in pain and I'll check up on you... Your bath is ready by the way - I'll find you a cane and some new clothes while you bathe.

Leo
Would you be comfortable if I carried you to the bath, since your leg is still weak?

I nodded, even though it felt like I should be able to make it there if he supported me on one side. Carrying me seemed a bit much. But I still nodded immediately when he suggested it. I wanted to be held again. He put one arm under my legs and the other on my back - he then motioned me to put my arms around his neck for support. I hesitated but eventually gave in. I caught myself making an embarrasing "eep" as he picked me up. He smelt so nice. His arms felt safe. Why had I not gotten to feel this before? Did everyone except me know this feeling? Was this what the butcher's daughter would feel when she met her mate? - As soon as this thought entered my head I immediately cringed at myself. I could not forget my place. I would only get dissapointed when he tired of me. When he couldn't show me to his parents and friends.

I could feel my eyes tearing up again. I squeezed my arms around him harder as I wept a single tear-chocked hickup. I didn't want to let go. I had only known this man for a day but he had shown me more humanity than I had ever experienced up to that point. He didn't even seem bothered by my features. He carried me without being bothered by my fur, teeth or anything. We stood there next to the bath. He sat down on the floor, still holding me. He held me tighter as I tried to hold back the tears. He put his head on mine, with his lips on my ear. I broke down at that point. He didn't say anything, he just held me. At first I resented myself for breaking like this. He shouldn't have to deal with this part of me. It was kind enough for him to give me medical attention. Eventually I gave in. Weeping in his arms until I was too tired to continue.

Leo
You don't have to talk about it now - but I'd love to listen eventually.

Kira
Thank you.

I still couldn't comprehend why he had such patience with me. What am I to him? He gave me a bar of soap and left to clean myself up. The water was warm. After I was done I clumsily stepped into the kitchen where Leo was sitting. His face grew red and he quickly looked away.

Leo
I... I think I put a towel ontop of the cupboard next to the bath...

I was confused, as to why he was so flustered. Bodies like mine were already covered in fur and no sane human would find me appealing, just as a naked cat wouldn't fluster anyone. Maybe he was a pervert afterall. As I went to pick up the towel I sensed that Leo was ruminating on something. He had seen just how thin I really was. My scraggly fur had hidden it previously. I put on the clothes he left me. They were obviously his. The pants were maybe his childhood ones because they were a bit smaller. The shirt however functioned more like a dress, almost reaching my knees. When he noticed I was clothed and not naked he approached me and gave me a cane. I thought I had been able to get around fairly well by limping around awkwardly but the cane did prove useful. After showing me where the outhouse was he changed my bedsheets and rewrapped my thigh. His hands were so gentle you could barely feel any pain at all. Atleast if you excluded the point where he cleaned my wound with alchohol. It felt different this time. I was sitting up and watching him instead of laying down half-conscious.

After he had wished me goodnight I laid awake for some time, processing what had happened. Each time I thought about the bath-incident, I instincually covered my face in shame. I must've cried in his arms for ten minutes. It's a miracle the bath-water was still warm. Eventually I felt how tired I was. I hugged my pillow hard, burying my face into it. Soon I was sound asleep.

I Like Talking to You

When I woke up I still couldn't believe I was not dreaming. I could hear Leo doing things in the kitchen. Sounded and smelt like he was cooking something. As the doorknob turned I felt a need to pretend to sleep. I could hear him getting closer, sitting down in his chair. It was quiet for what felt like an eternity. I felt his hand touching mine. I was unsure if I should allow it. I didn't want him to see my claws. They're so monstrous compared to his gentle hands. Yet he held my hand firmly, running his finger accros my claws. I felt like being blunt, I wanted to know why he was being so nice to me.

Kira
Why do you tolerate me? Are my hands not monstrous?

As I mumbled these words through the pillow he was obviously startled. I had fully convinced him I was sound asleep. I kept my face buried in the pillow, awaiting an answer.

Kira
Why are you the only one who's ever treated me like anything but filth? I don't understand...

My voice was failing, tears forcing their way into my eyes.

Leo
I... I'm sorry...

He didn't know what to say, he was caught completely off-guard. After a few quiet seconds he grasped my hand again.

Leo
I was sceptical at first. You seemed so scared and... "wild". But I could see you warm up to me. I don't know how your life has looked like before meeting me, but I assume you've been hurt and mistreated to a level no one should have to bear.

Leo
There was this family in our village when I was little, they were like you. Some people didn't like them, but they seemed like normal people to me. They had to move away, into the city. You seem more human to me than many people I know.

Leo
I feel drawn to you, like I'm supposed to heal your wounds - in a broader sense I guess...

Leo
I know we've only interacted for a short while but I do enjoy your company. I'd love to get yo know you. You seem really interesting.

At that point I couldn't hold it in any longer, I apologized as I wept into the pillow.

Kira
I just don't get why I deserve someone like you... Why now? Why didn't I have you before?

He seemed unsure how to answer, but after thinking through it all he responded:

Leo
I think you always deserved it. Whoever hurt you did it unjustly. I don't think you deserved any of it...

I broke for a second time when he uttered those words. He caressed my head as I wept. I took ahold of his arm, hoping that I could keep him forever. I wept and wept until I tired. He told me that he'd prepared us some breakfast. He explicitly said he wanted me to join him. I was still unsure how I deserved any of this.

He held me close. Caressing my head and my ears. It felt really good even though I kept weeping. He caressed my ear, It felt so good. When he pulled back his hand I grabbed it, pulling it back towards me.

Kira
It feels good... when you do that. Please continue...

He caressed my hair and ears. It felt amazingly good. I held his hand, I didn't want to let him go. I let myself purr, even though it felt humiliating.

Leo
I've made us some breakfast, should we move to the kitchen?

I nodded without looking up, I was completely overwhelmed by emotions. He handed me my cane and then guided me to the kitchen. It smelt really good. He poured me some of the soup, seemed more potato-based this time. As I grasped the spoon, hands shaking, he grabbed my left hand. He didn't say anything. We just sat there and ate. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence, it felt safe. I noticed he was staring at me, with a smirk. He picked up a rag and wiped some of the soup off my chin which I hadn't noticed had gotten there. He must have thought it was funny but I was horrified. I didn't want my lack of table manners make me seem even more wild and monstrous.

Leo
You've been trapped inside for days... and it's quite nice outside. Do you want to get some fresh air while we talk?

I nodded enthusiastically, but then realized I should probably be more verbal with him - not just resorting to meek gestures.

Kira
That would be nice.

We picked up a blanket and headed outside. He carefully guided me past some rocks. At this point I didn't know if his protectiveness was attractive or annoying, probably a bit of both. We eventually stopped at an oak tree, the shade was really nice. He spread out the blanket on the ground between the roots and gestured for me to sit down. I clumsily half-fell down when I forgot how weak my leg was. He caught me in his arms, my face ontop of his shoulder.

After hurriedly adjusting myself to sit beside him, I noticed how red his face was. It felt kind of awkward and I didn't know how to change the mood. I curled up with my legs to my chest, fiddling with my tail, picking pieces of bark stuck on it - probably for the previous kerfuffle. As Leo tried his best to come up with something to say I noticed the scenery in front of us. The weather was really nice, just as Leo said, but what really caught my eye was the view of the cabin. It was the same view as one of the paintings.

Kira
The painting... it's the same view right?

Leo looked puzzled before realizing what I was trying to say.

Leo
My mom painted those when she was still around... this was her favourite spot.

Kira
Where is she now?

He got a solemn look on his face after I asked him that. I got a strong feeling that I had asked an insensitive question.

Leo
She passed away when I was in my early teens, my dad is also... not around. I have a sister though.

Kira
Is she alive?

After asking this question with a straight face he just looked at me, after a few seconds he started laughing.

Leo
Yeah she's alive! She moved out after dad passed away. She works in the city nowadays. Kinda wish she'd visit more. I think you'd like her, she's easy to be around.

I buried my head in my hands, I just couldn't stop asking stupid questions.

Leo
I'm guessing you don't have much contact with your family? Is there somewhere that you'll need to return to after you're all healed up?

Kira
No... not really... that goes for both questions.

I laughed nerviously. I didn't know how to continue. I just stared out in the meadow. It was so pretty. Suddenly he grasped my hand, he also looked into the distance.

Kira
I barely remember my parents... my name is just about all that I've got left from them. When I was little I got to stay on a farm in return for working there... don't really remember how I ended up there.

Leo
Were you eventually adopted by them or?

Kira
Some of the other kids who didn't have parents were adopted... but I'm not really... suitable as a daughter. I could feel it in the way they looked at me. I was closer in worth to the farm animals. The other kids didn't like me either - they'd often steal my food and force me to do the dirtiest jobs. And when I came home they'd make fun of how I smelled, shuffling shit is awful when you have a tail and fur. It'd get stuck everywhere. I hated it... I got sick constantly too. The fact that I didn't get to eat enough didn't help either.

Leo
That's really awful...

He looked unsure how to respond. He squeezed my hand tighter.

Leo
Did you eventually get away from that place?

Kira
Yeah... I got caught stealing food, so I was kicked out... After that until now I've basically been going from village to village trying to find work.

I did occasionally try to find legitimate work but I omitted the fact that I mostly stole to survive. I had even hid in people's attics and barns during the winters. They'd often set their dogs on me when I was discovered. They'd eventually find me when they noticed food was going missing.

Leo
I want to know what happened before I found you - I need to know if you're in any kind of trouble.

A wave of dread engulfed me, even if regular humans despice people like me they'd rarely try to kill you unprovoked. I had almost been killed many times, but as a result of being found stealing or trespassing. He had a sympathetic but stern look on his face. If I didn't tell him the truth he wouldn't trust me. I was going to be a wild and conniving animal to him. I started explaining with stammering words intejected by discrete tears.

Kira
I was hungry... I hadn't eaten in days. I couldn't take it anymore...

Kira
I was stealing some bread when his daughter saw me as I was trying to snatch one of his hens. I think my hands were bloody from killing it. She looked terrified...

I huddled over and began fighting the urge to weep, letting out small cries now and then. I didn't want to be a monster, but that girl had definetly seen one that night. I felt disgusting. I hated being watched like that.

Leo
Was it the daughter of the butcher in the neighbouring village?

I nodded carefully. I then asked how he knew. He had heard rumors of a "beast" being shot when he visited that village the day before.

Kira
I lied to you when I said I looked for work... No one has ever hired me. I've stolen in order to eat and broken into people's homes to seek shelter. During the summers there were abandoned cabins and hunters' huts that I could hide in. But these weren't warm enough for the winter.

Kira
I'm a runnaway thief and monstrous freak - I don't understand why you haven't kicked me out of your house yet...

Leo pulled me into his arms. He held me so tight. I loved his arms so much. I felt safe but I couldn't help but cry.

Leo
You did what you had to do to survive - you've been wronged far worse than you've wronged others. I don't think you're a monster. I don't find your appearance ugly or scary. I think you're really cute. The way your tail and ears give away your emotions... It'll sound corny but, the sounds you make melts my heart. Your scruffy fur matches my scruffy appearance... Your nose is adorable, I like touching the noses of cats I meet in the village, some of them get so adoribly mad - luckily I've managed to behave around you...

I just looked at him in utter disbelief. Is he sick in the head? Am I sick in the head? Is everyone else sick in the head? Who is the crazy one? Before I could process anything he decided to be funny and so he put his finger on my nose. I tried to pull back but my head was already resting against the tree. I tried to respond but my mouth was left open without any words.

Leo
I think your eyes are really pretty too...

At this point he was looking kind of nervious. He had pulled quite a stunt and he was waiting to see if it had paid off. When he saw my ears pull back and the hairs on my tail rise he knew he had probably overstepped some boundaries.

Kira
You know I could bite your finger clean off?

Leo
Your teeth are cute too... I saw one of your canines get stuck outside your lips during breakfast - I could barely hold my composure - I think it was really cute.

He then slowly pulled back his finger. I looked down on the ground, flustered so greatly that I could not speak. He sat down next to me, with his back to the oak. I was still looking in the other direction, not knowing how to respond to anything that just happened. Should I have been happy? Angry? I think I was a little of everything. Leo then broke the silence:

Leo
When I was little I loved looking at the illustrations of demihumans in this one book. I found it really interesting how diverse us humans are. I really wanted to have a demihuman friend. It's going to sound... suspicious but I've always wanted to compare our anatomies... Which is longer, a canid or felid claw? Could I outrun a felid? We can't really try that because of your leg...

He seemed to realize that this conversation could be uncomfortable for me. He cleared his throat and continued.

Leo
Once I learned to read I realized that the book didn't have very nice things to say about demihumans, I threw it away. Once I had started to see your people as equally human, I couldn't accept that you were somehow inferior... Meeting that Canid family cemented my opinion even more. I just really want you to know that, even though we look different, I see you as a person. I think it's a tragedy that no one has taken their time to get to know you - because you seem like a good person.

He hugged me as I broke down crying again. Even if he's wrong. Maybe this monster can be allowed to take advantage of this one fool. The fool even seemed to enjoy the monster's company. Should I just let go? Let myself be seen as an equal? He can't be right but I had to give in. It was what my heart demanded. Monsters are greedy and hungry afterall. If a hand feeds them it's only natural that they'll stick around.

Leo
If you'd like... you could stay here. I could use a helping hand around the house and with my work. It'd be less lonely too...

I nodded, though it was more me wiping my face up and down his chest since I couldn't muster the energy to look him in the eyes.

Leo
If you lay low for a while, the rumors will pass and I'm sure you'll be able to enter the village - you'd be under my protection. People usually avoid upsetting the village doctor...

It seemed like this monster had found her nest.

A New Life?

A week had now passed since he invited me to stay with him long-term. Adjusting to life in a house you're actually allowed to be in was very difficult. There were so many things I had never done, let alone together with someone else. I could cook some basic meals for him, take care of the house and help him forage for medicinal herbs. He had even taken the time to start teaching how to read and write.

He was working late this day so I was in charge of dinner. The weather had turned really cold all of the sudden. The stove provided some warmth atleast. I tried baking some bread for the first time ever. I had only watched Leo do it a few times. I imitated the way he made the dough, let it be for a while and then put it in the oven after kneading it.

I could hear footsteps coming up the path. I excitedly ran to the door. I greeted him as he entered. He greeted me back, he looked tired so I helped him put away his things. He then giggled to himself.

Leo
You don't have to wait by the door when I come in - you're not my servant.

I looked down in embarrassment and nodded. I was just excited to see him again. It had been a long day and I felt lonely. We ate dinner together, he complimented my cooking. It made me so happy. I could do something for him. And he saw me, appreciated me. It was an intoxicating feeling. The bread was quite a bit too dense, I think I should've left it to rise a bit longer. He assured me it was still tasty. After he had taken a bath he laid down in his bed, reading a book. I laid beside him. The cabin was very cold and due to the weather being a surprise, we did not have any firewood. He seemed to manage but I was shivering. After a while he put down the book, he said he was thinking of going to sleep. I must've looked disappointed. And I was since I didn't want to go back to my cold bed with no Leo to warm me.

Leo
Are you cold?

I nodded. Before I could excuse myself to my bedroom he continued:

Leo
If... if you don't think you can fall asleep when it's this cold, I wouldn't mind sharing warmth in the same bed...

I got a bit shy and flustered but eventually agreed. It felt unbefitting for a monster to sleep in the same bed as a human. But a monster also has to stay warm. The bed was a bit cramped, so I told him that he could hold me if he wanted to. He immediately did so. I liked having my tail between my legs so I could hug it. With one hand he held my waist and with the other he began touching my tail above where I was holding it. He gently ran his thumb across it. It felt nice. I put one of my hands on his other arm holding my waist. He wasn't particularly muscular but they still dwarfed mine. Had it been anyone else I'd be scared and threatened by his size. But I felt safe with him. I allowed myself to purr. He said he liked it so it shouldn't do any harm. When he heard me purring he let go of my tail and put his arm around my chest. He hugged me so tightly, it felt so good. As I grasped his arms he put his head up next to mine and started cuddling my neck. He eventually moved onto gently kissing my shoulder and neck. Did he want me? A human and a monster being intimate... mating. I shouldn't let him debase himself like that.

Leo
Is this okay?

Through laboured breaths I eventually responded in contradiction with my previous thought:

Kira
Yes... It feels really good. Keep going... please.

He nodded and continued. He must have interpreted "keep going" as me instructing him to escalate because he then put his left hand on one of my breasts. My surprised breath prompted him to pull back his hand.

Leo
Sorry... did I go too far?

I didn't answer, I just grabbed his hand and gently guided it back. He understood. He then resumed kissing my neck, this time gently biting it. He was incredibly gentle with my breast. It all felt so good. My purring was unintentionably telling him what made me feel most pleasure. My mind had long ago melted and so had my body.

I fely spiritually whole, in this sexual extasy. This state of being was so far from anything I'd ever experienced before. Can a monster be whole? He made me whole. I turned my body towards him. He seemed surprised by my straight-forward determined action. I kissed him. I. I decided to kiss him. Of my own volition. I'm pretty sure I love him. I want him to be mine. I want to be his. He seemed so surprised at my autonomy. In truth so was I. I ran my fingers across his chest grasping at whatever I wanted. I yelped at my new-found determination to find pleasure. The monster was greedy, and maybe that was okay.

At the end of it I could barely breathe, I held him as tightly as I could. I didn't want to let go, ever. I wanted him to be mine. I had finally admitted that to myself. I want him. I want him to want me. I didn't know how to express my wants to him. Instead I just held him harder.

Kira
I... I think I love you.

Kira
I... don't ever want to let you go.

Kira
I'm sorry for being a greedy monster, but I need you...

After I said those words he held me tighter than ever.

Leo
I think I love you too...

Kira
I want you... do you want me?

immediately after I uttered those words he turned me on my back and put himself on top of me.

Leo
I... want you so much.

He pulled down my underwear and grasped my hip, it felt so good. I wanted him so much it hurt.

Leo
Do you really want to do this?

Kira
I want you... please be gentle... I haven't done anything like this before...

Leo
Tell me if anything hurts or if I'm going to fast, okay?

I nodded and grabbed onto him. I couldn't stop purring in anticipation. I wanted him so badly.

He undressed himself, grabbing my waist with one hand and my head with the other, he guided himself into me. I could feel him. He was near me. I hugged him even tighter.

Kira
I love you... I want you... even though it doesn't feel like I deserve you.

Leo
I want you too... badly. You deserve to be happy. I want you to be happy...

As he said this he entered me. I yelped as I gasped for air. He stopped for a moment, asking if it hurt, it did hurt a bit. I ran my fingers across his face. "Don't stop" was all I could say. I could feel him inside me. I was one with him. He moved slowly back and forth. It still hurt a little but it also felt really good. After kissing my neck he moved his head in front of mine. He held my head, running his fingers through my hair, as he then kissed me. I was worried that my teeth would cause trouble, so I only allowed him to kiss my lips. He carefully bit my neck and ear as he picked up pase. I could hear him struggling to contain himself. It was so cute. I thought that he must be an enourmous fool to be into someone like me. The greedy monster decided to let him continue, for a monster also wants pleasure. The monster has never felt anything like this. For each thrust I grasped his back harder. I was hyperventilating at this point. It felt so good, almost too good. Actually, it was increasingly overwhelming. He groaned a bit, I liked that. I felt all of his weight ontop of me. I wanted all of him. I wanted more. Speeding up, he was already reaching his limit. I let out a cry of both pain and pleasure - I wasn't purring anymore. I tried telling him to wait, or atleast slow down, but the words came out in a jumbled mess. Instinct took over, it felt as though my senes were mixing into a soup of panic and aggression. I had to let it out. In a split second I locked my legs around him, he was mine. I dug my claws into his back, he couldn't leave me. I bit him, hard, where his neck met his shoulder. I loved him so much. I wanted him.

"Kira!" - he yelled desperately while trying to get me off of him. Only a second later did I realize what he was saying. As I let go I was pushed off the bed, onto the floor. He backed up towards the wall next to the doorway to the kitchen. He looked so confused and scared - I was just confused. I had not even realized what I had done. I didn't want to look into his eyes anymore. They were filled with fear. As I looked away I saw the blood on my hands and on the bed. As he stumbled into the kitchen holding his neck I tried to get up to follow him, I wanted him, I wanted him back. As I saw my face in the mirror I paused. A set of wild eyes were staring back at me. They were filled with hunger and greed. The mouth was filled with sharp bloody fangs, ready to bite again. A naked, jet black creature stood on its toes ready to hunt down the prey that had fled. The claws flexed as blood dripped from them. I ran past him, he called out my name as I ran into the woods. The moonlight guided me as I went further into the woods. My panting was intermittedly interupted by cries. It was so cold. My summer fur couldn't protect me on its own in this cold snap. As I shivered I couldn't help but bear my fangs, which didn't help my case as I ran into a man walking along a path. As we saw eachother we both froze. He had a gun on his back. He looked frightened, so was I. He lifted his lantern towards me. Illuminating the clots of blood around my mouth and claws. He took a couple of steps backwards, I couldn't. I was completely paralized by everything that had happened. He hung his lantern back on his belt. It looked like he was readying his arm for something. As I realized what he was preparing for, I sprung my body into action, leaping into the bushes I came from. A loud thunder could be heard. Trees groaned as bark was blown away by hail. I continued running. The man didn't follow me. I found an old hunter's shack not far from Leo's cabin. I figured that the fool had finally understood what I am. I started laughing at the absurdity of his childlike trust. The laughter soon turned into tears. Had I shattered his long-held belief that demi-humans could be trusted? Was he now like everyone else? I clasped my fists as hard as I could, cutting into my own hands. I broke down. Why did I have to be a monster? The cold started getting to me. My cries got weaker as time went on. The adrenaline faded, I felt an overpowering pain in my left shoulder. He did hit me.

Suddenly I could hear a voice call out my name. It was Leo. Had he not given up on me? Had he decided to kill me so that I wouldn't hurt the townspeople? I didn't answer his calls. I could hear his steps come closer. I didn't want to see his scared eyes again.

Leo
Kira! I know you're in there! Can I come inside?

He put his hand on the handle of the door. He had seen the trail of blood leading to the shack. He pleaded one more time before I answered. I pushed with all my strength against the door.

Kira
Go away! Why can't you see that I'm dangerous? Why can't you understand? You'll just give me false hopes that I could be anything more than a monster... How can you be so foolish!?

He seemed taken aback by my words. It took a while for him to think of something to say.

Leo
Please... I heard a gunshot. There's blood everywhere. Just let me look at you!

Even after I hurt him he was still there. Even after the monster had showed itself. I know he saw it. You could see it in his eyes. Why did he ignore what he had seen?

Kira
You're such an idiot...

I moved aside and huddled up in a corner. He slowly opened the door. With my face buried into my knees I refused to look at him. I didn't wanna know how his eyes looked at me. He found the wound on my shoulder. I could feel him touching me again. I had destroyed everything we had and he was still refusing to leave me alone. As he picked me up I covered my face with my hands. He carried me back to the cabin. I screamed as he plucked out the two bullets that had hit me. After cleaning my face and hands he tended to his own wounds, which he had only patched up in a temporary manner before running outside to find me. I had my eyes closed the whole time. The silence in the cabin was suffocating.

Healing

Leo had found an old broken down chair and various wooden trash in the cabin's shed. He lit a modest fire before gathering some blankets in front of the now warm fireplace. The light danced in around the kitchen. He gestured me to sit down with him. I hesitated before slowly moving towards him. I sat down, my eyes transfixed on the flames.

Leo
It's not just your fault. I heard that you were trying to say something... I was too... into it. But I shouldn't have let myself loose sight of you safety like that... Did I hurt you in any way?

Kira
You weren't hurting me... It felt really good. It's... I think I was overwhelmed but I don't know why. It was like a reflex - I wanted you off of me, at the same time I wanted you more than ever. I should've caught myself slipping into that state. It's not your fault I couldn't control myself.

He contemplated on what he should say to that. He put a pillow in my arms and held me. I grasped the pillow and sank my face into it. He knew I didn't want to cry in front of him.

Leo
It sounds like we should've gone slower. I might be a fool... but I really don't think you're a monster.

Kira
I saw how you looked at me. And I saw myself in that mirror. We both know what we saw.

He didn't know how to respond. He leaned towards me. I was so angry. At myself for being a monster and at him for not admitting that he saw me as one. He grasped my hand. I violently pulled it away. I barely stopped myself from yelling at him. His words weren't enough. I could sense his confidence deflating. I glanced at him. A tear had already made it to his chin.

Kira
I don't want you to waste your time and love on me. I thought I could stay with you if I accepted that, as a greedy monster I was allowed to take advantage of you... but I'll just end up hurting you.

Leo
But a greedy monster wouldn't care about my health... If you were a monster you'd have your way with me and then move onto the next one. That doesn't sound like what you've been doing.

Leo gathered his thoughts for a minute.

Leo
It sounds more like you're using being a monster as some kind of shield. I'm a body-doctor not a mind-doctor but it seems like you truly don't think you deserve anything - falling back on being a monster allows you to escape your own desires - pathologizing them instead. If you allowed youself to be a person with desires, I think you'd be happier.

I didn't know how to respond. Some of it almost sounded like it made sense. He made another attempt at holding me, this time I cautiously let him.

Leo
What do you think? You're allowed to call me an idiot if it doesn't feel like a good explanation.

Kira
It still doesn't excuse me almost killing you...

Leo
Does it have to?

Kira
I don't know...

Leo
If you're a "greedy monster", would you allow me to teach you how to be "human"?

Kira
That just sounds like a mind-trick...

Leo
But if you're happier that way... have yyou not still proved you're not a monster?

Kira
... I'd allow you.

He kissed the base of my ear. It felt nice. I leaned into him. The wound on his neck must have been deep. He had to stitch it up but it was still bleeding through the bandages.

Leo
You don't have to... but if you want, you can still sleep in my bed tonight. This fire won't won't keep the house warm for long.

I put my head on his shoulder. I could hear his heartbeat. He seemed really tired. You could hear it in his breaths.

Kira
Doesn't your bandages need changing? There all bled-through.

Leo
It'll probably be fine if I do it tomorrow...

Kira
If you're too tired... can I do it?

He looked surprised. He then nodded with a smile. He told me what to gather and then he guided me through how to take the old bandages off, clean the wounds and the rebandage. He wimpered like a boy when I cleaned his neck-wound with alchohol. He said I used too much but i could've sworn it was the same amount that he had poured on my thigh.

As we laid in bed I rolled closer to him. I told him that I love him. He told me the same. Then he giggled. I threw him an offended look that forced him to explain himself. He looked deep into my eyes. As the anticipation rose he put his finger on my nose. Before I could get mad or have any other emotion for that fact, he kissed my lips. It was a long kiss. It felt really good. I didn't even know if he was a good kisser or not. The fact he was choosing to kiss me was more than enough. I fell asleep in his arms that night. I couldn't believe I got to keep him after what I did. When he heard me crying he hugged me tighter, caressing my hair.

When we woke up we were both exhhausted, both being injured. We managed to make due with the leftovers. It was less awkward than yesterday, but there I stell felt uneasy. A person would say something. A monster would stay silent as it wouldn't get anything out of small-talk.

Kira
How's your neck?

Leo
Still very sore... What about your shoulder?

Kira
Hurts when I moved it...

I wanted to lift the awkwardness so badly. Close the distance between us. I didn't even know if it was real. Maybe he was tired? Was I imagining things? Am I paranoid. I looked down into the table in disappointment. I just wanna be near him.

Leo
What're you thinking about?

Apparently I was easy to read. I didn't know how to express what I was feeling or if they were a big deal or not. Out of frustration I decided to be blunt. It had kind of worked before. As I stood up and grabbed ahold of the chair Leo looked worried. Did he think I was leaving? No. Instead I moved the chair so that instead of sitting across from eachother we were right next to eachother. In fact I moved it as close as comfortably possible. After moving my breakfast I sat down. He seemed confused.

Kira
I wanna sit close to you.

Leo
... I like being near you too.

He leaned in and kissed me behind my ear. A pleasant shiver shot down from my ear to my spine. I leaned back into him hoping he'd do it again. He didn't seem to get the memo...

Kira
Can you do it again?

He looked amused, before granting my wish. He held his head on mine for a bit longer before pulling away.

Leo
I won't give you any more before you finnish your soup.

I performatively pouted. After breakfast he gave me a children's book to read.

Leo
I don't remember what it's all about - you can tell me about when you've read a chapter or two.

Kira
You won't read it with me?

Leo
I'll have to do some quick check-ups down in the village. I won't be gone for too long.

As he gathered his things an anxiety grew within me. I knew he would come back. But it hurt to let him out of my sight. I didn't like that feeling. Not just because it felt bad but also because it felt greedy. I sat quietly while he was preparing to leave. As he said goodbye and was stepping towards the door I got up, took his hand and hugged him tightly.

Kira
I'm not used to having someone to miss. I know you'll be back but it still hurts... It feels greedy to hold you back like this.

He hugged me back, kissing my head as he thought about something that would ease my anxiousness.

Leo
A monster wouldn't miss someone like that... I'm thinking of getting you something at the market. It's a surprise though, so you'll have to wait until I come home.

He hoped I'd focus more on the surprise and it worked. Before he stepped outside he put his hand on my cheek, guiding my gaze up from his chest. He kissed me on the lips. After a last kiss on my forehead he went through the door. I managed to say goodbye without any further fuss. I stared at him trough the window as he vanished into the wooded path.

After making myself useful and tidying up the kitchen and preparing for tonights dinner I laid down in Leo's bed. I had slept there that night, but I didn't know if it counted as our bed or not. I had brought the book he'd handed me before leaving. I made myself comfortable, greedily snatching his pillow in my arms. It smelt nice. I pressed it against my face and chest. I wished that he'd lie there beside me as I read. I think I can read without any active help but his presence would pput me at ease. I read the title of the book. Nordic Folktales and Myths, it was lots of smaller stories in one book. I began reading the first story.

The foul mountain troll is looking for a mate, to further her own kind and to satiate her hunger, for her kind have no use for their human men. ...boys, do not approach furred and horned she-beasts. This is the tale of Matthias the tall who only narrowly escaped the clutches of the she-beast. ...Matthias was enthralled by the he had saved from the bear. The gunshot had echoed through the mountains and back. The she-beast was genuinely frightened by both the bear and crackle of gunfire. She was meek in this state but it was not her nature. ...already under her spell, Matthias nursed her wounds and fed her. The troll decided that Matthias was more useful alive, for now. ...filled with sinful lust, Matthias encouraged the she-beast to escalate her plans. ...As they laid, the troll couldn't contain herself and so attacked Matthias prematurely. Seeing her for what she was Matthias shot the she-beast dead - preventing it from procreating. I didn't want to read anymore of that story. It made me uncomfortable, I didn't have horns nor did I come from the mountains. What if I was a mountain troll but didn't know it yet? I had never seen my own parents. What if my father was killed by my mom? But I don't have a "false tounge", I don't think I tricked Leo into sleeping with me. Had I unwillingly put him under some kind of spell? Why would he otherwise like my features? It made some sense. Tears welled up and out of my eyes as I grapped his pillow. Had I tried to eat him as we slept together? Did my troll instincts kick in? What I had felt then was fear and panic... but there was absolutely a hunger, or was it longing? My head felt inpenetrable, no clear thoughts could take shape. I wanted to know where that sudden aggression came from. I don't want to be a monster. I don't want to hurt Leo. But I do want him. I wanted him so badly. Did the troll want Matthias in the same way? What if she actually loved him but couldn't stop her instincts from hurting him. What did she think as Matthias shot her? Was she enraged or heartbroken?

I wept as I bit Leo's pillow. I want him. I couldn't resist putting the sheets between my legs, forming a mass which I could embrace. It smelt like Leo. I feel so safe with him. I love how tall he is. How his hands feel on my body. I had been starving all my life, not just for food but for affection as well. I didn't know if I was weeping or groaning but I let it all out on that pillow, with my claws and teeth ripping the fabric. I wrapped the sheets tighter as I moved. I want him. I want him. I want him. I let out a small cry as I came. I laid there motionless. What was I even doing?

I had made a complete mess. My underwear and the sheets were soaked. The pillow had been metaphorically killed. I cried in disgust. Why was I like this? Leo would be home soon, if he saw this he'd be mad. I quickly did my best to clean the sheets and my clothes. The pillow was thrashed beyond repair so I hid it deep in the closet as I was looking for a replacement. I managed to make it look like I had just made his bed. Maybe he'd thank me when he gets home. As I sat on the newly made bed the fatigue hit me. I fell asleep the moment my head hit the pillows.

I could feel a hand on my head. Leo was playing with my ears and hair. It felt nice. It wanted to wake up to that every morning. I sat up and hugged him. His bandages were still clean so the bleeding must've stopped.

Leo
Thanks for tidying up, the kitchen has been a mess lately.

Kira
You smell good... did you take a bath?

Leo
Yeah... I came home an hour ago, didn't want to wake you up, you seemed tired.

He put his palm on my cheek and ran his thumb across my face, wiping away some stray hairs. I hugged his hand and arm. He's not super muscular but his body felt so firm. My expression changed as I remembered:

Kira
Shit, I forgot to make us dinner...

Leo
I saw that you had prepared it though... I could whip something up with the potatoes and meat. I even go some cream from the market.

Leo
You still seem kinda tired... I'll wake you up when it's done, okay?

I wanted to protest. He'd been out all day, I fooled around half the day. I shuld've been the one cooking for him. But I was tired and his words alone were enough to put me at ease. I half-slept, looking at him through the bedroom door. I don't want to hurt him. I love him. It smelt so nice, I wondered what he was cooking. After some time I could hear him preparing the table. His steps came closer, I closed my eyes. He took my hand just like he did before. He ran his curious fingers down mine. I hoped my fur wasn't coarse. He kissed my forehead as he "woke me up". I pretended that I had been asleep, then I joined him for dinner. He had made this creamy meat sauce to go along with the potatoes. I had rarely been able to get my hands on actual cooked food before meeting him. He looked so happy as I ate. He had put carrots and onions in together with the meat. The carrots were soft and sweet. I had sat myself next to him just earlier that morning. As I finished my plate I leaned leaned to the right, towards him. I cradled his left arm as he continued eating with his right. He seemed a bit embarassed. He was so cute and sweet. His hand rested restlessly on my thigh, I held his arm so that it was the only physically comfortable position for it to be in. I put my face on his shoulder. I opened my eyes when I could hear him put his spoon down.

Leo
I wanna show you what I bought...

I had completely forgotten that he'd promised to get me something. In one smooth motion he picked me up. I didn't stop myself from yelping quietly as he did so. I locked my arms around his neck as he carried me to his, or our bedroom? He put me down on the edge of the bed. He sat down behind me. Chills flowed down my neck and spine as he started brushing my hear. He explained that he bought me a hairbrush since he didn't have any at home. He wanted to brush my hair. I felt so good, he was so gentle too.

Leo
My sister used to force me to brush her hair... tell me if I'm pulling your hair too hard.

I honestly wanted him to pull harder, but that felt like a weird request to make. I just told him how nice it felt. I let out loud purrs, he liked that. As he finished brushing my hair, I guided his hands to my tail. I was now sitting in his lap with my tail in between my legs. As he started brushing it he kissed my neck. Why was he doing this after what happened yesterday? It felt dangerous, feeling this good. He enveloped me completely. I wanted to give into him completely. When he was done he put the brush on the bedside table and put his arms around me, one above my chest, one around my waist. He rested his head on my shoulder.

Leo
I'm sorry for yesterday... I really want to try again but I understand if you don't want to.

Kira
Don't apologize... I'm scared I'll do it again. It feels like I don't even know my own body. I want you so much but I'm scared...

Leo
... Do you think it'll work if we take really slow? I'll make sure you're okay each step...

I paused. I really didn't want to be like the mountain troll. I didn't want to hurt him. I couldn't take him looking at me like that again. I wanted to trust him, that he'd notice and snap me out of it. I wanted him to touch me more. It made my heart race in such a pleasant way.

Kira
Do you promise to stop if it becomes too much for me to handle?

Leo
I promise - if you can't tell me, pinch my shoulder and we'll take a brake, okay?

I nodded. He held me tight. He started kissing my neck. Occasinally, I'd turn to look at him, to kiss him. I made an embarrassing eep as he touched my chest through my shirt. I was so grateful that I got to experience this again. He let his fingers run across them. After a while he let his hands sink down to my stomach. Having his hands there gave me a strange but nice feeling. He took off my shirt, putting one hand on my lower belly while caressing one of my breasts with the other. I let out a quiet moan, I didn't know why but having his hand there felt good in a safe way. He got more intense after this. He was squeezing a bit too hard, it felt good but it was starting to hurt. "Leo...", I whimpered. He stopped immediately.

Leo
Sorry... am I being too rough?

Kira
A bit...

He hugged me as he laid down in the bed. I now laid on my back as he put his head on my chest. I instinctively laid my arms around him. His hair smelt so nice.

Leo
I'm gonna try something else - tell me if I'm being rough again.

Kira
Okay...

I hugged him tighter. Pushing him into my chest.

Leo
... I love you.

Kira
I love you too...

As I said this he put one arm under me for support and the other on my waist. His head was still resting on my chest when he started sweeping his thumb across the side of my stomach. Suddenly i felt something warm on my left breast. He was licking it. I was so embarassed I covered my face. They weren't like real human breasts, I was afraid he'd get grossed out if he got hair in his mouth. He kept at it. He switched between running his tongue around my areola and playing with the nipple with his tongue. It felt nice but I was so embarassed I had a hard time focusing. Eventually I could feel him going lower, kissing my belly while holding my waist. It tickled, so I let out small gasps. This seemed excite him. He started going lower again, putting his arms under my thighs, grasping my waist. The way he held me separated my legs. I didn't want him to look directly at it. I didn't want him to be grossed out.

Kira
Wait... Isn't it gross down there?

Leo
You bathed today, right?

Kira
Yeah, but...

Leo
I'd love to pleasure you this way. It'll be fun for me too - but I'll only do it if you want me to.

Kira
Okay... but you don't have to continue if it's gross...

I had grabbed ahold of a pillow to mask my embarrassment. As he kissed me down there I felt a jolt of pleasure go through me. I gasped again when he continued kissing me. It felt so good. I tried my best not to ruin the pillow but I had to bite down on something. The way he held my waist so firmly was so nice. I had yielded to him. How did I let him do this? Is it not gross for him to pleasure a freak? But he wants to. He seems to want me and my body. He did desire me. I didn't know how to accept this fact. It felt so good. But I felt so guilty, a growing panic began to settle in my chest. I put my foot against his thigh and pushed. I had told him that I'd tell him or tap his shoulder, but that felt more difficult for some reason. He didn't seem to understand, so I pushed away at him again, this time letting out a quiet "wait". He stopped immediately when I did that. He crawled up the bed and laid down beside me. Cradling my head in his arms.

Kira
Sorry... It got overwhelming again... I'm sorry.

He kissed my forehead before hugging me tightly. I noticed him staring at the pillow. I felt so ashamed, broken. I wondered if he was scared of me again.

Leo
Don't apologize. I'll be more mindful next time.

Kira
I'm scared that I'll always be like this. I don't know why I keep reacting like this - I feel broken.

He grabbed my shoulder and turned me to face him. I was already sobbing in between my words, I just wanted to be near him. As I buried my face in his chest he held me tighter than ever. I was obsessed with him, but I didn't want to keep hurting him or destroying things.

Leo
You've lived a life on constant high-alert. That's gonna leave some scars... but I want to help you recover from them - it doesn't matter how long it takes... I want you around me - I want you.

Kira
... what if I can't be fixed? You deserve someone who can control themselves! Not some freakish troll-woman...

Leo
You're not a troll. Your features are different from mine and the people in the village - but that doesn't make you into a freak. The fact that people have hurt you, treated you like a monster doesn't change that fact. And I'll say it again and again, I like how you look. You're beautiful.

He started playing with my hair as he said those words. I wept onto his chest for what felt like forever. I was holding him too, loosely, to avoid scratching him. As he caressed my hair I tried to relax my muscles, especially my legs and arms. I noticed my claws retracting, letting me touch his back in a more careless manner. I could press my hand into his skin without hurting him. At this point I had stopped crying out of fascination. I pulled back my hand to have a look, my claws were still visible, but much smaller. Leo suddenly grabbed my hand. He had noticed me staring at it after I stopped crying.

Leo
I didn't know your claws could do that.

Kira
I... I thought they only did that when I sleep...

With his curiousity peaked, he began inspecting my fingers closely.

Leo
I noticed that before when you pretended to sleep. Your claws are retracted when you actually sleep. What did you do differently now?

I swallowed my embarrassment and answered.

Kira
I think I just relaxed... I think I might be tense... basically all the time? Especially my hands...

Leo
See, you can get better!

Kira
I just relaxed! That hardly counts?

Leo
You've let your guard down for the first time in a very long time - I'm proud of you.

Overcome with embarrassment, I covered my face. He resumed holding me. He started kissing my neck again. It felt as amazing as it always does. After making sure I was flustered in a different manner from embarrassment, he moved my hands from my face. Before I could open my eyes he had already began kissing me. He was touching me again, stroking my right breast. Meanwhile he was holding my hand, caressing it. He paid special attention to my claws, making sure they were still retracted, which meant I was relaxing properly. Each time his thumb passed over my nipple I had to let him know how good it felt by letting out a quiet moan. He must've liked this because when our lips parted he was breathing heavily.

Leo
Do you think you'd be able to stay relaxed if... we did itnow?

Kira
Uhm... maybe... I don't know but I think I want to try...

Leo
I'll continue holding your hand - I'll stop moving if I feel your claws coming out, Okay?

I nodded excitedly. I really wanted this to work between us. I want to feel one with him. He removed his underwear, I was already naked from before. I could feel my heart racing as he got into position. I wasn't tense though. He kissed my neck as he guided himself into me with his hand, the other still grasping my hand. My heart went into what felt as shock as he came into contact with me. I was still able to relax physically. I could tell that he was preparing to put it inside. He held me tighter as he inserted it. A stream of pain could be felt, not as bad as last time but still significant. I got really scared and I immediately failed my attempt at "relaxing". He noticed my claws and my groan.

Leo
You okay? Does it hurt?

Kira
A bit... it's not as bad as last time...

Leo
Do you think you'll be able to relax?

I took a few deep breaths, focusing completely on relaxing my limbs and body. I could feel Leo's fingers inspecting mine as my claws retracted again.

Leo
Should I continue?

Kira
Slowly... very slowly

I put my other hand around his neck, onto his back. As I hugged him he started moving. Small pains unsuccessfully threatened my relaxation. Leo was being so careful, going slow. He cared for me. I now realized that he truly cared for my wellbeing. He wants to be with me. For him to be able to enjoy my company, I need to be at least slightly mentally stable. So, he wants to help me. I want to be helped. If I surrender myself to him, and since I trust him, he'll be able to help me. I love him. I'm going to trust him no matter what. He continued to move at a slow pace. It still hurt a bit but it also felt so good. His back was more muscular than I realized. I was now able to touch him without much fear of hurting him. I felt a familiar urge, biting, or maybe just nibbling? A lot of focus was needed to not bite Leo to hard. I licked and gently bit his neck. It was a different kind of biting from before. I felt more playful rather than frustrated. He seemed not to be scared by this. Unbeknownst to me he had realized my purring was much calmer than last time. Less intense. Less overwhelming. Leo was very slowly speeding up his movements. Slow enough to allow me to adjust. I could feel myself reaching a climax. Leo was seemed to be reaching his limit. I wanted him to do it inside of me. It should've been safe since I should have my period soon. His breathing was becoming heavier.

Leo
I... I think I love you...

Kira
I love you... I feel so safe when... when I'm with you...

Leo
I don't want to ever... ever make you feel anything else. I want to protect you... You're so incredibly cute...

My eyes teared up at those words. As his breathing became increasingly intense I felt myself near climax. The desire to bite became quite strong but I managed to switch from nibbling to just pressing my face into his shoulder. I could feel it entering me as he came. I yelped as I climaxed. In the last moments of sex I did fail my relaxation as I came. My claws dug into his hand and I couldn't stop myself from biting his shoulder a little too hard. I was in complete extacy for a couple of seconds. I then saw the small puncture-wounds that my bite had caused.

Kira
Leo... I'm so sorry...

Leo
It's okay Kira. It's much less than last time... as I said you're getting better...

He seemed extremely tired. He sort of slumped onto his side, pulled out his member at the same time. After the resulting sensation had settled I hugged him. This time I was lying above him, hugging his head, with his face buried in my chest. It felt really nice. Soon I could hear him snore quietly. He was so sweet and cute. I want to keep him as mine forever. I want to be his forever. I put my hand on his head. His hair was also fun to play with. I love him so much. I fell asleep with him in my arms. He had been such a good boy.

He's Mine and I'm His

A faint cold light lit our bedroom. The paintings hanging on the wall had been cast in a blue light. It was fitting since most of them depicted the sea, islands floating in a stormy ocean, small fishing boats on a calm lake. I could tell that they had also been painted by Leo's mom. The blue light did not reah the top most paintings. It was a cold morning. Quivering, I turned left to faced Leo. He was sound asleep with the sheets coverig his chin and mouth. He looked so peaceful, so sweet. It was fascinating how someone could feel so firm and safe yet soft and sweet too. I moved closer to him. I put my left arm under his pillow and my right on his chest. My mouth resting against his shoulder. He groaned quietly as he turned towards me. He put his lips to my head, kissing it. Purring lightly, I hugged him tighter.

When I woke up again the room was warm, visually and physically. Or maybe it was just Leo warming me. But it was definetly later in the morning. He seemed to have laid awake for a while, how long had he been awake? I could feel him stroking my hair and ears. I looked up with my tired eyes, his eyes weren't tired like mine. He put his hand on my cheek. Feeling proactive, I crawled upwards. After putting my arms around his neck I kissed him. When I had almost run out of breath I pressed my face into the space between his neck and shoulder, that space was made for me. I couldn't resist nibbling gently, it must've tickled because he started laughing.

Leo
I don't have any patients today but we should probably get up sooner or later.

Kira
Hmm... but this is nice.

Leo
I think it's very nice too.

Before continuing he played with my hair for a moment. My head was still firmly wedged between his neck and shoulder.

Leo
I'm starting to get kinda hungry, should we make breakfast - what if I start looking too tasty when you get peckish too?

I knew he was just teasing but I couldn't help getting a little hurt by this. It didn't feel good to even jokingly be compared to a human-eating monster. Probably since my self-image had been similar to that for so long. He could notice my silence. Looking down, he could see a sad look on my face.

Kira
Don't joke about things like that...

After a moment of quiet thinking he realized how what he said had hurt me. He put his hand on my head again.

Leo
I'm sorry... I didn't mean it like that.

Kira
I know... I think a large part of me agrees with it - still thinks of myself as a monster, so it hurts when it's confirmed by someone else...

Leo
I'll remember not to. Is there anything I can say to convince you to think otherwise?

Kira
You've already convinced me to give myself a chance but it'll still take a long time to fully stop thinking of myself in that way. Even if I stop believing it I'll probably keep feeling it for a long time.

Leo
I see... I'll still keep telling you the truth until your whole being accepts it.

Kira
You do that... Should we get breakfast in the meantime?

Leo nodded. It was nice to hear his apology. He wasn't perfect but he knew that. I had met men who could never be wrong, always had something to prove. I could tell Leo wasn't like that. After I helped him make porridge we sat down to eat. I seated myself next to him, leaning towards him with my head gently resting against his shoulder. I really hoped it wasn't bothering him because I loved doing it. It made me feel so safe. I finnished my bowl before him, so I put my arms around his and my face onto his shoulder. "What if he finds it annoying?" I let go of him and straightened my back. He seemed surprized by this.

Leo
Is something wrong?

Kira
Am I being clingy?

He seemed puzzled by the question. After a moment or two he answered.

Leo
Yes... but I like it.

As he said this he put his arm around me and pulled me closer. I turned towards Leo and grabbed ahold of him. I sat there holding him as hard as I could while he finnished his breakfast. He glanced at my left hand which held his side. He'd noticed my claws weren't retracted after feeling them digging into his side. He turned towards me and put his hand on my cheeck, gently caressing my face with his thumb.

Leo
Are you feeling tense? Something stressing you out?

I hadn't noticed it myself. I pulled back my hand in embarrassment, hoping that I hadn't hurt him.

Kira
I think I'm always tense... like if I don't actively relax that is...

Leo
Do you often have neck pain and headaches?

Kira
Yeah I think so...

Leo
Do you often have neck pain and headaches?

:: rendering complete...
aska@unit1202:~$