:: loading CSS...
:: LoS="35%"

I don't think I've ever had a family.

I feel like there is an impenetrable layer between me and everyone else. I sometimes fantasize about being able to directly connect my brain to another, communicating directly with raw emotions. The barrier can probably never be overcome - but I feel a need to lessen it. Even though I have an amicable relationship with my mother, I still feel a need to deepen that relationship. During my youth I repressed any and all psychological problems - being a stable and well-behaved son became a part of my identity, it was how I differentiated myself from my brother. This state of being neccessitated my emotional withdrawal from my family. I rarely told them about things and I don't think they actually know who I truly am. I feel like, even if my family starts referring to me as their daughter etc. it'll just be a formality. I'll never truly be my mother's daughter.

There's a high chance that I'll always be an unfortunate side-note. The son who wants to be a woman. They might even humor me and go along with it. I've daydreamt about either being reborn in a female body, in another family - or somehow being adopted by an older woman who sees me as a woman, and later as her adopted daughter. This way I'd be able to develop a deeper connection to my new mother, unburdened by my emotionally stunted male past.

I'm almost angry, when looking at people born in bodies made for them. Yet, they too have their problems. Atleast they get to have normal problems. I'm stuck with this impossible desire to inhabit a body other than the one I was born in. I honestly hate them for it. How dare you be comfortable in your own body? They may complain abou imperfections but that's just what it is - imperfections. My body is fundamentally wrong. And it can never just be "imperfect". I can't have a normal sex-life, men look at me like a weird fag with a strangely full chest. Women pity me at best, if I annoy or upset them I'll just be another man again. I'm dirty, my male upbringing weighs on my soul like a rotten corpse. Even as a man I am dirtied by the small amounts of femininity I've gotten ahold of. Non-transwomen queers will aplaud me for being brave and then scold me when I vent about hating my body. Because I must love my male features, it's what makes me a cool subversive tranny. It's hecking valid. But I don't want to be valid, I wanna be happy, I wanna be a woman.

My psychologist told me to get more trans friends. I don't think I'll be able to be a real human being around them. Especially if they don't hate themselves. I want a boyfriend not more trannies for me to hate. If I had someone who loved me as a woman then that would probably work better in curing my self-hate than having to subject other transes to myself. Thing is that no man wants to touch a chubby freakazoid male with weird looking tits.

:: loading CSS...
:: LoS="25%"

Coping, coping and coping

Living in a Dream

Through my indifference for people,
I've been placed outside of their society.

Now I live in a ghost world,
enclosed in my dreams and imaginings.
- That old swedish film

I cannot handle waking life. I can't handle the chronic mental pain head-on. I spend most of my time distracted by youtube, games, daydreaming or a mix of all three simultaneosly. A couple of months ago I had a dream where I sat in a car with my (nonexistent) boyfriend. I had this beautiful dress, I thought I was so pretty, he thought I was pretty. I was so happy.

My daydreaming has since then consisted of achieveing this feeling again. In my dreams I am held, tenderly, by a man who embodies safety. He desires me, as a woman, but not to a fetiscistic degree. He recognizes my subjectivity, as I do his. He'll hold me when I'm scared. When I imagine us together, it has to be after FFS. I don't think I'd let him do much down there before SRS. In my mind he's the kind of man who's patient. SRS terrifies me. I daydreamt that I told him how scared I was. How I long for the results - how I long for him. He'd hold me tight and ease my worries. I'd tell him that when I wake up from the surgery I want him to hold me, so that I don't freak out. SRS and its recovery seems horryifying to me. It'd be a bit easier if I had someone who could hold my hand. My mom won't be able to hold my hand every day.

I wonder what it'd feel like to be carried by him. One arm under my legs and one on my back. It'd feel so nice to put my arms around his neck. Of course I have more lewd fantasies as weel. I wonder how it'd feel to be touched by him. To be spooned and have him gently touch me. I'd hope he likes it. I think I'd like it a lot if I had a body which wasn't disgusting. I would want to pleasure him as well. Before SRS I should be able to go down on him. I'd want to hear what kind of noises he'd make.

I hope he wouldn't be embarassed to show me to his parents. I really want them to like me. It'd mean the world to me if his mom liked me, if she thought I was cute. I really hope they won't mind me being a tranny.

I'm afraid I'll never have the confidence needed to wear a dress or even a skirt. I wish he'd help me gain the courage. Help me buy one. I wanna recreate that dream so bad. I want him to care about me. I want him to kiss my neck, I think that'd be really nice. I want us to make eachother better people.

There is more thoughts and desires that I've had but they're too yucky for a tranny to talk about.

IRL Consequences

Since I spend most of my time spaced out, people tend to assume I'm not doing anything. When they try to talk to me they're pulling me back to hell. It's not their fault. It's not them who are the problem. I might not even like talking to them. But in order to do so I must return to real life, where I inhabit a body that gives me constant emotional pain. My ex often tried to get me out of bed, thinking I was trying to sleep. The bed is actually just the most comfortable place to daydream in. I rarely fell asleep. To those around me it seems like I do nothing. I do do nothing in this life. Because I deeply dislike this life. But I am doing something, I am occupied. Sometimes I can even get quite irritable if someone is repeatedly trying to contact me. They may just be trying to break what they see as an awkward silence. For me this smalltalk is just annoying bait to pull me back.

Sometimes it's really hard to focus during school. This is probably the most dangerous consequence, since if I cannot finnish my education then I can't get a job so I can afford FFS. If I can't get FFS my life won't be worth living. Which means I'll either be forced to continue my habit of daydreaming or stop living.

:: loading CSS...
:: LoS="20%"

Wanting to be Held - My Sexuality is Broken

I feel like my sexuality is completely opaque - covered by layer upon layer of shame. I feel like every want and desire that I have can be pathologized, attributed to my dysphoria. This goes both ways. I've basically always thought I was attracted to women. In my teens I figured I might be bi, but relationships with men didn't really seem appealing. Women though, they were great. They were so cool. All the main characters of these little stories I'd make up were women, often inspired by ones I'd see on TV etc.

I had a couple of crushes before getting together with my first and current partner. Crush #1, she was pretty, she was cool. Had pretty hair. I never actually knew her very well though. Crush #2, a family friend. Weirdly enough I don't remember much of why I liked her. I felt kind of forced. I remember not really enjoying playing with her very much. Crush #3 is where a tendency started showing. Which was a kind of projection upon this girl. Like I didn't really know her that well, she was kind mean and inconsiderate when thinking back, yet I still had this fascination. I think I projected a completely new personality ontop of her actual one. I don't remember much but it feels like I was trying to live through her. I don't think I would've been happy being with her if I had actually gotten together with her. Crush #4 was a more evolved form of the previous. She was a bit kinder, slightly arrogant maybe. She was smart and cute. What did I want with her? I do remember being attracted to her. But it was always just her in isolation. Like, the idea of her was attractive. Had I viewed myself as part of a couple with her, I don't know if I would've been attracted to her.

I kept having this feeling, and I've recently started thinking about it more. This feeling was basically one that told me that it was all fake. You don't actually like this person. What you feel is fake and hollow. This is probably what kept me from ever talking to those last two crushes. Because I feared that once we were together, I'd realize my mistake. If we assume that my attraction to crushes #3 and #4 were actually non-romantic in nature, then my guess would be that it was some kind of misappropriated admiration or even envy. This explanation is appealing to me since it "justifies" my transexuality, something that I'm deeply insecure about. This is also why I'm a bit skeptical because, for lack of a better term, it's "too perfect" of an explanation. Is that me being paranoid? or is is me being big-brained? Not sure.

My Current Relationship

What feels most relevant now is my current relationship, which started in 2018. Back then we both ID:d as cis of our respective sexes, alltough they had toyed with the idea of being trans before meeting me. They were a little bit like crush #4 but we had a lot more in common. They also just had a good vibe. We both recall being "pulled" towards eachother the first time we met. I had become aware of my projecting tendencies so I made sure to take it slow with them. Slow turned out to be like four months. They were great to be clear. We quickly became very close. It's no excageration that they were my only real friend during highschool. A couple of months into our relationship the aforementioned fear. I became convinced that my feelings weren't real. These feelings were extremely strong and I wouldn't suffer like I did then until I realized I was trans. It went on for months too. Sometimes abating before returning in full force. Eventually these feelings became rarer and rarer. I had to actively put them down. When they did resurface from time to time those feelings simply did not "have any teeth left". I think I had become numb to them. I now wonder if supressing those feelings was the right choice. But the thought of crushing my partners heart filled me with such an intense fear that I can't really blame myself for rejecting these feelings as paranoia or anxiety.

For the first three-ish years we were sexually active. Back then I thought I had terrible anxiety around "performance". I forced myself into this robotic state where only my partner existed. I did enjoy it, physically but mentally I had a hard time being fully present. If I wasn't maximizing how long I lasted by thinking of gross things I was simply absent-minded. Of course it was still physically enjoyable but something about it all wasn't right. I now know that me being trans was behind a lot of it. The way I refused to see myself as part of the act - only focusing on my partner. I'm pretty sure the few kinks I suggested were only thin veils for what I wanted done unto me. I could only enjoy sexual things through my partner, who at that time ID:d as a woman.

Previously I had only analyzed my problems with straight sex as a part of dysphoria. That I wanted to be a woman whi was involved with another woman. Which would put me in the "translesbian" category. What I'm thinking might be a possibility now isn't just that I experienced dysphoria, but that I didn't really want to be a woman penetrating another woman. In fact, if I had other options I don't think I'd like to do penetrative sex at all. I worry that my ideal sexual partner would be a man. I have recently began writing my own smut - to scientifically test my own sexuality. And right now I feel that the touch of a man would be extremely appealing. Both sexually and emotionally. The thought of just being held by a man who loves me is honestly like no other. I find myself writing these painfully cliché heterosexual encounters, yet I can't get enough of it.

Caveats upon Caveats

I can't ignore the giant bias at play though. I have an enourmous amount of self-hatred tied to me being trans. And like Natalie Wynn pointed out in her video about shame, hetersexuality can be a very appealing source of normalcy in a world which portrays trans-lebsians as monsterous freaks. So while my attraction to men feels genuine at the moment. I'm still scared that I'm walking head-first into the same wall as Natalie. What if it's all comphet?

Also, anyone who has seen my twitter knows it is not filled with pretty boys. It is instead filled with pretty girls - most of them furries but I'm not a furry I just think they're cute stop looking at me. So have I come full circle, concluding that I'm bi? I don't know. The more I look at my twitter-likes and my previous crushes - I wonder if it's all just envy. Because when I look at that picture of the cutest girl you've ever fucking seen, it hits me that I have difficulty actually identifying any sexual attraction towards her. Aesthetic attraction, oh fuck, there's a lot of that stuff. But I think I might just find them cute? I am fundamentally questioning if my attraction to women is sexual at all. The attraction exists in the literal sense of the word. Like at this point I'd probably be able to fall in love with a very butch woman with a strap-on - but that doesn't feel like homosexuality.

Maybe I just wanna be held by someone who is atleast a bit taller, a bit bigger. Someone who feels safe. Has big arms. Holds me, and tells me I'm their pretty girlfriend.

The depressing realization that most men will never touch a tranny has of course set already set in, yes I do realize.

:: loading CSS...
:: LoS="40%"

Social and Physcial Dysphoria - Also Dreams...

Why can I not be a feminine man? Why must I change my body? It is quite clear as to why one would hate the social aspects of being a man - see "Kai after Kai's" video about hating being a man (socially). There they say how they do not hate their body for being male - their hate is limited mostly to the social roles of the husband, the man.

I feel a need to explain myself - why do I feel that I have to change my body? Certain schools of queer thought seems to view this with increasing suspicion. It feels almost impossible for me to ascertain exactly why - my mind feels quite opaque. But I know that I want to feel pretty and cute. Not powerful or dominating - not necessarily meek either, but maybe vulnerable? You could retort that males can also be cute - which is true. I feel however that being a cute male-bodied person feels different than being a cute female-bodied person and that it is specifically the latter which I yearn for. Estrogen is honestly also a twink-perservative

I also know that when I have had a dream, where I was a girl, I was happy, incredibly so. A level of mental calmness not possible in waking life could be felt. I remember two dreams specifically, in one I had such a beautiful face - I felt so cute - I loved and valued myself. I think I talked to my mother in that dream, it felt great. In the most recent one I believe I was still trans, but in a much later point of transition - basically I was a passoid. I was sitting in the back of a car, with my boyfriend on the left. His parents were driving us somewhere. I think everyone there knew I was trans but still liked me and saw me as any other 100% female biogirl. I think I talked to my mother-in-law, it felt great to be seen by her. I had this floral dress of some kind. The stuff I'd never ever have the confidence to wear IRL. In reality I'd probably feel a violent combination of dysphoria from the dress not fitting right, extreme disgust at myself for being a disgusting tranny who thinks she looks good in a dress and ultimatetly - fear of what other people are seeing. But in that car I was so pretty - my boyfriend was holding my hand as I gazed out the window. I felt pretty, I felt calm. All felt so right in that moment. I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed when I woke up from that dream. Real life was - and still is - a nightmare compared to that.

I don't think I can ever be 100% sure that I'm on the right path. Right now however, detransitioning seems repulsive to me. I choose to accept that I might be wrong - I choose to do what feels right in the moment - I will accept any consequences if I'm Wrong.

But I don't think I am.

:: loading CSS...
:: LoS="80%"

The Femnine Cult

Worship of the feminine - what is feminine? It must be liberated from the patriarchal. It has been tainted. I am fully feminine, but I must be cleansed. It is love. It is trust. Patriarchy is predatory. Is feminiþí þí = Synthworld religious ending predatory? What is predation when added to trust? Is it still predation? It must be different from patriarchal predation. Predation > parasitism. It may be play. Predation and trust is play. Predation and exploitation is violence, oppression rather. I long to be eaten by the mother-Hwáþi Hwáþi = United consciousnesses in Synthworld lore. There is no greater thing. Only by embracing pure - untainted - femininity can I become whole. I must reject all that is not love and caring. What I fear most is isolation. Patriarchy is isolation - become whole instead. Blur the lines between yourselves - even if just temporarily. It must be done. Let us connect. Let us interact. Let us play. Let us become whole.