The Transition Pendulum

The following text will focus mainly on transfeminity, the concept can however definitely be applied to transmasculinity as well.

Definition

The definition used in this essay is as follows: the transition pendulum is the tendency for people who recently realized they might be trans, to be unstable in their identity - going back and forth between cis and trans - often failing to meet their own definition for being trans. Surveys

When surveying on 4chan's /lgbt/ board, roughly 50% identified with the phenomena.¹ A survey on reddit's r/MTF was also attempted but the post was removed. This is of course a laughably small population and only really proves that some of us experience this. But that is enough for me - it doesn't matter exactly how common it is - it is a state of mind that I want to help people exit.

Why does it arise? - My experience.

I think it's a near-universal phenomenon to downplay one's own experiences. This coupled with the quite homogenous narratives around transfeminine transition - the childhood crossdresser who's only into boys being the primary transfeminine archetype. It's easy to find societal forces which pushes one towards cishood: societal hostility and fear of being a freak - a monster.

It's pretty simple, society does not like trans people. I distinctly remember being about 16 or 17 and seeing transwomen in a positive light for the first time - previously I had only seen them getting mocked as freaks, I had just exited that political space. I thought to myself - “I wish I could be like them, do what they're doing…”, then as quickly as those thoughts arose another thought pushed them aside. “Being trans is hard”, “being trans is freakish - I don't wanna be a freak”. It was like a whiplash. I didn't continue those first thoughts - I pushed them deep down. Fundamentally - being trans was pain.

When I did realize - that I could not simply express myself in a slightly more feminine way - that I hated every aspect of the male body. I believed I did not suffer enough. I tried to find ways to prove or disprove that I was trans - this obviously failed. The whiplash of going back and forth - the same debates repeating again and again, I'm surprised I could function at all during that time. Towards the end I tried to repress. Decided that I was misplacing feelings originating from me being chubby. But that failed with time too. At the age of 20 I decided that I had very little to lose - I decided to pursue HRT for real this time.

How can it end?

In my experience, it ended soon after I started HRT, now after over a year on estrogen I would rather die than go back. This does not mean that I am mentally well now of course. I have still not “succeeded” my transition - I haven't transitioned - I am in transition. Getting back on track - my solution to the pendulum was simply taking a leap of faith after weighing up the consequences for a month or two.

The weighing is definitely an important part of the process of deciding whether I should have started HRT. I asked myself - what would happen if I changed my mind? If I detransition? - Are my fears realistic? - How would I respond to having to live as a man in a slightly feminized body? - How would my life be as a woman? Aside from the complications of patriarchy, would I be comfortable? Would I feel a calmness? I knew that, even as a man, masculinity was not important to me. Living as a man with some gynecomastia wouldn't be a huge deal. The social shame of having transitioned and then detransitioned would definitely be tough, but I figured the drama would be forgotten by my family after a while. I made sure to reality-check my worst-scenarios, because some of them were definitely not realistic. Now, lastly, did I suspect that I would feel a level of calmness? Yes - I knew this through dreams and made-up scenarios in my head. Of course - this is coming from a fairly binary trans-feminine person - but a rephrasing of the question could be: Would you be comfortable, aside from the effects of patriarchy, as someone who does not fit into the gender associated with your birth-sex? Do you want to experience the social or physical aspects of being female (or both)? The reason why mentions of patriarchy is included is that I don't think a desire to “escape” gendered oppression should be equated with physical dysphoria. Social dysphoria is then a more likely candidate for one's problems - which alone don't require HRT in my mind.

What does it mean?

My analysis of my own experiences point to where I first heard of the concept of transition. It was very negative - portrayals of trans women were as monstrous freaky perverts, divorced from reality. I knew what transition was, but it wasn't an alternative. It was just something that freaks did. I didn't wanna be a freak. When I did open up to the idea of trans people being able to not be freaks - I had long ago internalized the view that transition is only for tortured souls seconds away from taking their life. This is of course deeply faulty thinking, no one asks you to suffer in order to be cissexual.

I believe that, if society was not so hostile towards transition - if there was no transmisogony - these pendulums would transform into a much more straightforward, healthier and less moralizing process. We can only hope that one day, people are able to freely explore themselves without bias.

1. 4chan survey